Funny Quotes - Mel Brooks

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes - W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields

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Funny Quotes - Love Quotes and Marriage Quotes

Funny Quotes - Love Quotes and Marriage Quotes

a.. "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7
b.. "Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9
c.. "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8
d.. "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9
e.. "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8
f.. "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5
g.. "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, 10
h.. "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6
i.. "One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6
j.. "My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8
k.. "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7
l.. "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8
m.. "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'" -- Anita, 9
n.. "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10
o.. "Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -- Angie, age 10
p.. "A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -- Marlon, age 10
q.. "[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -- Kirsten, age 10
r.. "Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9
s.. "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8

Funny Quotes - Vice President Cheney

An ancient scroll that tells the story of Jesus from the point of view of Judas, has been found in Egypt. In the text, Judas claims he only betrayed Jesus after he was authorized to do so by Vice President Cheney.
- Jake Novak

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

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Jack Handy - Deep Thoughts

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size,

because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
- Jack Handy - Deep Thoughts

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Funny Quotes - Oscar Levant

I don't drink; I don't like it - it makes me feel good
- Oscar Levant

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