Funny Quotes - Shut up

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.

Joe Namath

Veteran's Day Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

Quotes

Funny Quotes - Male

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.

Jilly Cooper


title="Funny Jokes">Funny Jokes

Speach impediment

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.

Jimmy Durante

Quotes and Sayings

Golf

Nothing increases your golf score more than witnesses.

Author Unknown


Famous Quotes

Gotcha

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one.'

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...followed by

Churchill's response:

'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one.'

Winston Churchill

Funny Quotes - Customs

I have never smuggled anything in my life. Why, then, do I feel an uneasy sense
of guilt on approaching a customs barrier?

John Steinbeck (1902-1968) American Writer

Quotes and Sayings

Marriage

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

Criticism

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.

Noel Coward (1899 – 1973), actor and playwright

Quotes and Sayings

Babies

“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks
so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”

George Carlin

Quotes and Sayings

Resentment

Resentment is like drinking poison and
waiting for the other person to die.

Carrie Fisher

Famous Quotes

Nothing to do

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to
do and not doing it.

Mary Wilson Little

Conductor

Nadia Boulanger, conductor

[on becoming the first woman to conduct the Boston Symphony Orchestra] I've been
a woman for a little over 50 years and have gotten over my initial astonishment.
As for conducting an orchestra, that's a job where I don't think sex plays much
part.

Quotes and Sayings

Grow up

“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up
because they're looking for ideas.”

Paula Poundstone


Sayings

Spice

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

George Bernard Shaw


Sayings

Obstacles

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off yourgoal.

Henry Ford

Taking things for granted

“Most human beings have an absolute and infinite capacity for taking things for
granted.”

Aldous Huxley

Marriage

Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.

Thomas R. Dewar

Quote Of The Day

Be Nice

Be nice to 'em goin' up, because you're going to meet them all comin' down.

Jimmy Durante


Quote Of The Day

Kids

“Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen?
Three. It takes one to say, ‘What light?’ and two more to say, ‘I didn't turn it
on.’

Erma Bombeck

Lettuce

It is said that the effect of eating too much lettuce is 'soporific'.

Beatrix Potter

Politics

“In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.”

Napoleon